AUGUST 1, 2008 - VOL. 1, ISSUE 19

Batman and his ward, Robin, were flying in a helicopter, apprehending a yacht on the sea. Why this was happening is irrelevant. Everything you need to know happens when Batman climbs down the Bat-ladder and gets his leg caught in a shark's throat. He proceeded to beat the shark with his fists. It didn't work. He yelled up to Robin for "the shark repellent bat-spray." He used it on the shark and, I kid you not, the shark dropped in the water and exploded.

I understand that "Batman," the late 60s TV show and film spoof of the 40s serials, is intentionally over-the-top. I know that it's necessary to make everything that Batman touches be dawned with a bat insignia and, of course, the word "bat" as a prefix for everything. What I don't understand beyond any reach of imagination is an exploding shark or a porpoise that gives its life for Batman and Robin's safety (again, a true plot point). This isn't any kind of animal rights protest, for I am well aware that no animals were harmed in the filming of Batman: The Movie. But can't you draw the line?

The plot, although convoluted and seemingly unnecessary to the film's actions, begins with Batman and Robin discovering that The Penguin, The Joker, The Riddler and The Catwoman are all working together. It seems that The Penguin was plotting to destroy the United World Security Council (the UN Security Council) by using his total dehydration gun. When they are gone, the four villains plan to rule the world together. The gun turns humans into little piles of multicolored powder (for some odd reason). Thus, Batman has to thwart The Penguin's plans by finding them, stopping them, and then saving the Security Council.

So the Security Council gets zapped into little piles of powder, Batman finds them, and he rehydrates them back to normal. The film ends with him and Robin tiptoeing toward the window, throwing the Bat-rope, and repelling down to another journey. Before the credits roll, the words "The Living End?" pop up. Um...what?

Batman: The Movie easily could've been two episodes of the then-popular TV series. Now if you take away the advertisements from the 30-minute episodes, that's about 24 minutes. So a 105-minute long film could've taken 50 minutes or less to tell the story. Uh oh.

Thus, in the film, you get to see such wonders as Batman and Robin running down the streets instead of taking the Batcopter, Batbike, or Batmobile to catch the villains. There's an unnecessarily prolonged love scene between Bruce Wayne, Batman's secret identity, and "Miss Kitka," who is secretly The Catwoman in disguise. Plus, it's clear that it is completely unnecessary for any of the villains to be involved with the plot except for The Penguin. The rest of them have minor roles in the actual schemes themselves and they essentially act as minions to The Penguin's ploy. Occasionally, The Riddler tries to throw them off course with a carefully planned riddle, but inevitably, it always turns the gun around on him and the caped crusaders figure out his scheme.

Batman: The Movie does highlight one aspect that the other Batman films undoubtedly neglect. The Batman comics used to be ridiculous. I once read an issue of Superman where Batman and Superman, both apparently bored, decided to pull a prank on Lois Lane. Why? Because, since they both had super abilities, they could. And there were loads of Batman utilities with the prefix "Bat." This slowly disappeared in the comics. Batman became less smiley and more dark and mysterious. It's this side of Batman that you see in the later films. Still, there's a way to highlight the smilier, nicer, and campier Batman without making three-quarters of the movie completely unnecessary. The Batman show managed to do it, but the movie just abused it.

When I thought about the old TV series and watched some clips online, it occurs to me that the show is a lot of campy fun (so I'm not approaching the film as a curmudgeon). The movie just takes that and stretches it out to an unbearable point.